“We spend our lives worrying about the ifs, the whats & the whens..
but why can we never just be”
At the end of last year, I had made a list of all of the things I was going to buy, see & do. I celebrated the new year in brighton with two of my best friends and had the BEST time. We planned the year to come and all of the things we were going to do, but the minute I pulled up on my drive way on New Years Day, I got the most horrific phone call. My beautiful niece Charlie-Marie had passed away and from then, everything changed.
Charlie was just 19, and had spent all of those years in a body that was against her. She had quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy and epilepsy and had to endure all sorts of treatments from botox injections in her joints every 6 weeks, to 14 hour back surgery to correct her spine and relax her muscles. I honestly thought she was invincible, I think we all did. She really was an incredible person that despite all of her troubles, always greeted you with the most beautiful smile. She had a wicked sense of humour, If you stubbed your toe she would find it hilarious. Although she couldn’t communicate verbally, she had her ways to show you the kind heart she had. If anyone spoke ill of me in front of her, she would growl at them, if you needed her to cooperate whilst you struggled more than usual to lift her or strap her in, she would help. She was a beautiful person inside and out and will be deeply missed by us all, the only comfort we can take from this tragedy is that she no longer has to fight a body that failed her and is instead free.
I had all these plans of things I was going to write about in the new year, I’d just got my dream job and was due to start on the 2nd of january, 2017 was going to be my year. But Charlie’s death changed all of that. Why do we need a year to be better? Why can’t we just spend every day improving our life, our relationships and working towards our goals? having experienced what I have for the past month or so, I’ve got to tell you, none of that mattered. My new years resolutions, my dreams, my plans, nothing. The only thing that mattered was my family. As my family and I come to terms with this loss and I move forward with the year ahead, my whole perspective on life has changed, I will have goals and I will aim to achieve them, but ultimately I will just try to be better! 2017 will never be my year, it will always be the year we lost her. All I can do from here on out is learn and grow from the wonderful things she taught me in her short and difficult life.
The past 2 years have been a rollercoaster for me, I left my boyfriend of 5 years, got a new one, left him, spent way to many weekends partying and not looking after myself and towards the end of 2016 I thought, these past two years I really haven’t done anything that was really what I wanted. I loved my blog a few years back, I would chat to everyone about my day, vent when I needed to, talk about the things I loved and I enjoyed every minute. But then the industry turned into something I didn’t enjoy anymore and I stopped. I had these plans of what I was going to do to fit in again, but actually, I’m me, I like to chat about life and have a platform to vent as well as share all the thing I love. And I want the readers of my little space on the internet to be OK with that. My life isn’t perfect, I don’t spend every day with my makeup bag glued to my wrist, I have crap days. and I want to share the good the bad and the ugly.
This post has been a bit of a ramble, but it didn’t feel right to just start up again with out mentioning the changes in my life and how that has impacted and changed me and just how amazing she really was. She has impacted my life in a way that no one else ever will, she has taught me that the little things are what we should cherish, that no problem really is that big and that when things get shit, you just keep smiling. Because if she could, anyone can.
I am really looking forward to getting back into my blog and sharing all the things I’ve been up to, all the products I’m loving and the exciting times I have ahead with my looming move to London. But I will also be getting real with my little corner of the internet. I’m going to open up about relationships, grief and anxiety and share all of the things these huge parts of my life have taught me and I can’t wait to have you on this journey with me.
Have any of you been through grief? how did you guys cope?
Would love to hear from you 🙂
All my love